Wednesday, November 15, 2006

.an honest post.

Today was a bad day. I'm not a terribly open, here's how I'm feeling kind of person. Tonight, I'm going to attempt it. Not for pity or for lack of outlets, but because I need to say it. There needs to be an admission.

My A1C result was fine; I'm not complaining, as previously stated. It's the weight, BMI and cholesterol lines that scare me. I've vowed to stay off of Lipitor or any other medicines. There is a strict policy in my proverbial medicine cabinet (I say proverbial because we all know our diabetes testing supplies don't fit in any medicine cabinet). The policy states that I take insulin period. As a child at my summer camp (I was the only diabetic), I used to think to myself during my many visits to the nurses' station, "Wow, I'm really glad I don't have to take pills every day. I wonder how these kids remember" and there would be a feeling of pity that they would be taking those pills for the rest of their lives for whatever ailment they might have.

I think of this now and of course I think I was a fool. But at the same time, I'm thankful that I wasn't focusing on my condition and the pain I could have faced thinking of myself as one of them. I took 3 shots a day, but for whatever reason, it just seemed routine. So, as I'm thinking of my cholesterol tonight and it has me rather annoyed, I trek over to the laundromat and while I'm tossing my clothes into the washer a commercial for Lipitor comes on. oy.

While taking my clothes out of the dryer, I am listening to Jeopardy on the television. The question is looking for the term referring to a person with a BMI of over 35. The answer: morbidly obese. double oy. And that leads into my frustrations today.

Tonight, diabetes or no diabetes, I'm fed up. A coworker and I started this January stating that we'd like to lose weight. She lost weight. I managed to gain what I would have liked to have lost. Not the total I would have liked to lose, but the amount that I considered my first goal. You know, trying to start small and not overwhelm myself. I lost about 7 pounds total before gaining it all back and then another 15 pounds. I'm really angry right now thinking about it. With or without diabetes, it needs to be dealt with. The cholesterol might be able to wait. The number's not THAT high. But I see the medications as being yet another easy way out. Take a pill instead of changing a diet or starting to exercise.

I know what needs to be done, but I am completely unwilling to change. What the hell is wrong with me? (For any one keeping track that is the first use of profanity here at orsa.aetas, just so you know) So, my first step is to write it down and unfortunately for you all, I choose my blog as my paper. Second step will be to eat saltine crackers and drink water for the next 365 days until I'm thin as a rail. Does anyone know if saltines have cholesterol?


Anonymous said...

Oh Mel, I feel your pain. Maybe we need to try a contest or something where a bunch of us in the OC sees who can lose the most! We always encourage one another. It may work!

I have gained a ton (read 18lbs) and I am hating life. I would be in if we did it!

mel said...

It might work. I tend to be one of the most competitive people I know. My problem here would be that I wouldn't expect to win, so I wouldn't try as hard and then I wouldn't really lose.

But if we did do it, maybe I could try harder... maybe..

julia said...

George - I'd be all over that like a rash. I was planning on starting South Beach after Thanksgiving. I suck at staying motivated and if there was support from the OC, it would definitely help.

Scott K. Johnson said...

You know - that's not a bad idea. I don't know if I'd commit to it though - just because I'm... well, looking for excuses not to commit to something like that.

I cracked up at Julia's "all over it like a rash" line. That's good stuff right there!!